Wowzers. A lot of you want to know a lot of things! I know it’s only because [most of] you love us, but I just don’t have the time to sit down and write out individual answers right now. As always, thank you so much for your love and support and for reaching out.
Q: What will you eventually blog/not blog about this time of separation?
A: Well, as you know if you’ve read for awhile, I have never given many details on this blog. Before we separated, we both felt called to proclaim what God had already done in our marriage and to do so via this blog. We always focused on God’s victories more than Satan’s attempted ones. Until Oprah (our biggest and possibly only mistake in “sharing”), we only mentioned, usually more so in passing, the all-inclusive issue of sex addiction. That is no longer something I’m blogging about, as I’ve already exhausted what God has taught me concerning the topic.
We both believe (and have had many conversations regarding the fact that) Satan wouldn’t have kept attacking so hard unless we were right in believing that God did indeed call us to share. If He ever calls us to that role again (I believe He will restore us but He may or may not restore that ministry), things will be done pretty differently. However, it was never the blog that caused Papa Bear guilt or shame. In fact, he still loves all of those old posts. It was me, or the way Satan used me, that caused those things. Papa Bear did not feel that we were living in as much victory as I was writing about on the blog…because of the usually subtle things in my demeanor that continually revealed I was still in pain.
Q: You’ve been through this twice. When will you ever learn?
A: Short answer? Never. Long answer? I learn every day….that God is in control and I can trust Him completely with my future as long as I’m asking and listening and acting. I have had thoughts of, “What if he’s not home for good?” Of course I have. But that’s not up to me. I’m only responsible for doing what God calls me to do…and that’s to be the best help and wife to the sexiest, sweetest, silliest Marine that I know.
Q: You’ve been through this twice. Does it seem different this time?
A: I’m different this time. Satan has overplayed his hand, if you will. Over the past eight months, though they have been rougher than rough and I’ve knelt more than I’ve stood, God has taught me to trust Him in a way that would have seemed silly to me before. When Papa Bear left last November, I thought it would kill me. Because I’d been through it all before, I thought it was hopeless to try again (yes, I know, I never told you that I felt that way). God keeps trying to teach me that His will is not affected by circumstances…and that I shouldn’t interpret His voice according to what I see. He’s also teaching me that Papa Bear’s choices…things he does and doesn’t do, do not actually have to hurt me. Even if they seem hurtful…I have a choice. Last time, I thought I had forgiven. I’m not a liar, I truly believed that I was standing in forgiveness. But I wasn’t standing in the kind of forgiveness that I am today. Today, all things are new. And tomorrow will be the same way.
Q: You were a single mom for eight months, but you never really talked about how hard it was. Are you ever going to do that?
A: I’ll admit, I did censor myself a bit. I knew that any and all hardships I faced could be held against my husband. I knew that my life was about me and God and his life was about him and God; and, especially because he read from time-to-time, I didn’t want to write anything that would be hurtful. Now that he’s home (he made breakfast this morning while I worked), I cannot even express how much I appreciate him and every little thing that he does. Although, I still take out the trash before he gets home from work; I got pretty good at it while he was gone. And, after all, God did answer my prayer for a dumpster! I do plan to write some practical posts for single mothers, though. Eight months is not a long time to those of you who have been at it for years, but it was long enough to 1) allow me embrace the role 2) fully respect the role 3) give me a few insight into how it can be done pretty well. As a matter of fact, I’m going to be guest posting on a friend’s blog on Monday, detailing my life as a single, work-from-home mom. I’ll post the link when it’s up.